Monday, September 10, 2007

Microwave Popcorn: FoodCrack

This New York Times article will disturb you. The article focuses on the artificial compound diacetyl which lends microwave popcorn its massively overpowering buttery smell. When heated, apparently, it "becomes a vapor and, when inhaled over a long period of time, seems to lead the small airways in the lungs to become swollen and scarred." Naturally, microwave popcorn plant workers are highly susceptible: Exposure to the chemical has been linked to hundreds of cases of lung-damage. This is called "popcorn workers' lung."

Anyone who has ever walked into a collegiate dormitory knows the smell of diacetyl all to well--It is the anti-scent of the healthful, the purest example of the addictive power of manufactured foods. Quite frankly, the smell is sublime and awful. And now consumers are getting sick.

I suppose this is what happens when two of humanities worst atrocities, artificial flavorings and microwaves, fuse together to create a third, more evil, atrocity: FoodCrack.

FoodCrack is the terror of the American diet. FoodCrack, like crack-cocaine, is cheap, addictive, shockingly unhealthy, and easily accessible. Think McDonalds. Think Suzy Q's. Think Sno Balls.

FoodCrack is clearly not food. Unfortunately, many Americans are FoodCrack Pookies.

The man whom the title of this article refers too was clearly addicted to FoodCrack. Apparently, he ate at least two bags a day, every day, for 10 years. The man’s doctor says: “When he broke open the bags, after the steam came out, he would often inhale the fragrance because he liked it so much.” Unfortunately, his lungs looked much the same of those who suffer from popcorn workers' lung.

Poor fat guy. He quit eating the popcorn and lost 50 pounds in 6 months. Unfortunately, his lungs seem to be irrevocably damaged.

9 comments:

Steve said...

When I forget my lunch sometimes at work I immediately go to the local CVS and come out with a large bag of food crack: Toffee Fiddle Faddle, Munchos, Utz's BBQ corn chips, a 1 lb bag of salted pistachios, and blue powerade (always blue).

The euphoria I experience when first eating this food is immeasurable. The crash aftwerwards makes me feel worthless and suicidal.

By the end of the meal, I am usually am too bloated and depressed to finish the food, and I usually hand out the rest to the kids in my class.

I should be getting that teacher of the year award any day now..

The Illustrious Kazoo said...

Hah! FoodCrack--that's funny. I think I might be enjoying some FoodCrack right now, in the form of Pizza Hut...

Seth said...

Steve: Are you trying to tell me that all that FoodCrack is actually kosher?

Steve said...

of course. much of it is.

Karen said...

Every morning I join a long line of Pookies (sometimes twenty people deep!) to score some LiquidCrack: Starbucks. Perhaps you should write a follow-up on LiquidCrack.

I no longer have a "local" coffee shop near my office to support, but even when I did, it did not seem to have the addictive power over me that Starbucks has.

I am weak.

Bert said...

You know, the New York Times is also a form of crack, albeit inedible.

My latest food addiction seems to be centered around eating whole, pickled jalapenos in the morning hours. Does wonders for the digestive tract.

Seth said...

Karen: Starbucks is not FoodCrack because it is not so cheap. Also, it might even be healthy--FoodCrack is certainly unhealthy-- if you don't put cream and sugar in it...

Bert: I agree NYTimes is a form of crack, although it is not cheap. Also, it's very healthy.

Jalapenos are the opposite of FoodCrack. Jalapenos are FoodVibe. I'm glad you've discovered the digestive benefits of pickled vegetables...

Bert said...

True, jalapenos are the opposite of FoodCrack. In fact, they are FoodSmack. I am alluding to the autogenic opiates released after the consumption of spicy foods.

Bill B. said...

What would psychedelic mushrooms be considered? FoodSmack?