FoodVibe: Noni

My very good friend and neighbor JJ was not doing good. Not at all. After a string of vibrant, healthy months, he had slipped. At first, it was the ocassional Kit-Kat. Then came the disastrous weekend at the beach, the pizza, the funnel cake.

Then, in early August, JJ entered FoodCrackVille. At the time a typical day for JJ included no breakfast, no lunch, and then, an explosive evening of gluttony. Among other unmentionable items, JJ consumed: countless bags of Reeses Pieces, thousands of Fritos, and many cheesesteaks. One night, alone in his apartment, he drank 16 beers.

I saw him the next afternoon. He looked terrible, desititute and defeated.

I went to the store, bought Noni. (By the way, the best Noni, the only Noni I would ever buy, is Genesis Today's Noni...)

I came home, gave it to him.

The following interview recounts his Noni experience.

***

FoodVibe: What did you think when I gave you the bottle of Noni?

JJ: I had no faith in it. It smelled disgusting. It looked disgusting. I tried it once and I was like: this is no good, this is terrible!

FV: So, you were skeptical?

JJ: Yeah, I was skeptical. Hell yeah!

FV: Why?

JJ: I just couldn’t believe your ridiculous claims. You were like, Noni this, Noni that. It seemed like Noni was your best friend, not me. So, yeah, I was very resentful of the Noni. I took it a couple of times, inconsistently, and then I stopped. I was eating poorly, so I wasn’t really feeling good anyway. And the Noni didn’t seem to help. Besides, it tasted like dirty, wet socks.

***

Needless to say, the Noni languished in JJ’s fridge for about a week. Then one day, I went over and took the Noni back. I was fed-up, disappointed, utterly and completely baffled. How could he not have felt the power of Noni?!!

That night JJ asked: Why did you take my Noni?

I said: You don’t deserve the Noni. The Noni is now mine.

***

FV: How did you feel when I took the Noni away, when I told you that you, in fact, you didn’t deserve Noni?

JJ: I felt violated. I went home and sulked. At one point, I saw you on the street, running. I screamed: "What the hell?" But then I looked at you, and suddenly wished I was the person running. I considered, all of the sudden, that Noni might be important, that I might really be missing something. Well, I decided on the spot to turn my life around. An hour later, I marched back into your place and asked for the Noni. That was when I promised to commence my new health regime.

FV: So what happened that day?

JJ: I went home, took the Noni. Within fifteen seconds I was out of control. Not fifteen minutes. Fifteen seconds! I happily cleaned my house, I organized my disastrous closet, I did two week’s worth of laundry, I took out the trash! Afterwards I made a weeks' worth of food: 4 chicken breasts, two batches of tempeh, a tomato soup, a corn soup, and a few batches of pumpkin seeds. I was in love, in love!

FV: Wow!

JJ: Well, I got back to eating healthy food, started taking Noni everyday. And let me tell you: I’ve never felt this postive. Everything is awesome! The only thing I need to do is stop smoking. I see this clearly—it is the only thing holding me back.

FV: Will Noni be a part of your quit smoking regime?

JJ: It will be a part of my daily life. I can say, quite seriously, that I will take Noni for the rest of my life.

FV: What would you do if you found out that Noni was to be banned.

JJ: I would do anything to prevent this from happening.

FV: Would you consider murder?

JJ: Yes.

FV: Seriously?

JJ: No. But really, Noni should be served in schools. Our kids should take Noni.

FV: Has Noni done anything for your sex life.

JJ: Yes, absolutely. My girlfriend keeps asking: what’s wrong with you?

FV: What would you say to someone who refused to try Noni?

JJ: I would slap them around. I would ask, over and over: why not?