Friday, September 14, 2007

Lazy Man Drinks Noni, Triumph Ensues (A Noni Interview)

My very good friend and neighbor JJ was not doing good. Not at all. After a string of vibrant, healthy months, he had slipped. At first, it was the ocassional Kit-Kat. Then came the disastrous weekend at the beach, the pizza, the funnel cake.
Then, in early August, JJ entered FoodCrackVille. At the time a typical day for JJ included no breakfast, no lunch, and then, an explosive evening of gluttony. Among other unmentionable items, JJ consumed: countless bags of Reeses Pieces, thousands of Fritos, and many cheesesteaks. One night, alone in his apartment, he drank 16 beers.
I saw him the next afternoon. He looked terrible, desititute and defeated.

I went to the store, bought Noni. (By the way, the best Noni, the only Noni I would ever buy, is Genesis Today's Noni...)
I came home, gave it to him.
The following interview recounts his Noni experience.


FoodVibe: What did you think when I gave you the bottle of Noni?

JJ: I had no faith in it. It smelled disgusting. It looked disgusting. I tried it once and I was like: this is no good, this is terrible!

FV: So, you were skeptical?

JJ: Yeah, I was skeptical. Hell yeah!

FV: Why?

JJ: I just couldn’t believe your ridiculous claims. You were like, Noni this, Noni that. It seemed like Noni was your best friend, not me. So, yeah, I was very resentful of the Noni. I took it a couple of times, inconsistently, and then I stopped. I was eating poorly, so I wasn’t really feeling good anyway. And the Noni didn’t seem to help. Besides, it tasted like dirty, wet socks.


Needless to say, the Noni languished in JJ’s fridge for about a week. Then one day, I went over and took the Noni back. I was fed-up, disappointed, utterly and completely baffled. How could he not have felt the power of Noni?!!

That night JJ asked: Why did you take my Noni?

I said: You don’t deserve the Noni. The Noni is now mine.


FV: How did you feel when I took the Noni away, when I told you that you, in fact, you didn’t deserve Noni?

JJ: I felt violated. I went home and sulked. At one point, I saw you on the street, running. I screamed: "What the hell?" But then I looked at you, and suddenly wished I was the person running. I considered, all of the sudden, that Noni might be important, that I might really be missing something. Well, I decided on the spot to turn my life around. An hour later, I marched back into your place and asked for the Noni. That was when I promised to commence my new health regime.

FV: So what happened that day?

JJ: I went home, took the Noni. Within fifteen seconds I was out of control. Not fifteen minutes. Fifteen seconds! I happily cleaned my house, I organized my disastrous closet, I did two week’s worth of laundry, I took out the trash! Afterwards I made a weeks' worth of food: 4 chicken breasts, two batches of tempeh, a tomato soup, a corn soup, and a few batches of pumpkin seeds. I was in love, in love!

FV: Wow!

JJ: Well, I got back to eating healthy food, started taking Noni everyday. And let me tell you: I’ve never felt this postive. Everything is awesome! The only thing I need to do is stop smoking. I see this clearly—it is the only thing holding me back.

FV: Will Noni be a part of your quit smoking regime?

JJ: It will be a part of my daily life. I can say, quite seriously, that I will take Noni for the rest of my life.

FV: What would you do if you found out that Noni was to be banned.

JJ: I would do anything to prevent this from happening.

FV: Would you consider murder?

JJ: Yes.

FV: Seriously?

JJ: No. But really, Noni should be served in schools. Our kids should take Noni.

FV: Has Noni done anything for your sex life.

JJ: Yes, absolutely. My girlfriend keeps asking: what’s wrong with you?

FV: What would you say to someone who refused to try Noni?

JJ: I would slap them around. I would ask, over and over: why not?

Noni Makes You Beautiful


Steve said...

If Noni can help Mr. Tan Body get on the straight and narrow, then I'm in.

Seth said...

Pyle: If you took Noni you would begin to finally realize your life-long dream of levitation.

Bert said...

What or shall I say who is Noni?

Seth said...

Noni, my friend, is the God of Triumph.

Suzanne said...

Wow. J is hot.

Traci said...

Ha! Love it. Is that really Jason?? I am buying some Noni today!

Jenni said...

Yeah, JJ looks fantastic. Is Noni safe for pregnant ladies? Does it really taste like dirty, wet socks?

Bert said...

But can noni levitate the Pentagon?

That is my dream.