Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Dear Steve

I am just writing to let you know that I understand. You are not the only FoodCrack junkie on FoodVibe. Not all of us here have Seth’s iron will, his blind conviction. I, too, have food skeletons in my closet. They are as plain as the bag of potato chips and box of pretzels in my kitchen cabinet.

When you mentioned CVS my heart leapt. I could picture it so clearly in my head. The snack aisle. The Fiddle-faddle. The Utz Party Mix. My heart beat faster. Utz! They make the best pretzels.

I left the US for the same reason Luca Prodan, of the Argentinean rock band Sumo, left London. Luca was a heroin addict. He was in deep. He knew that if he didn’t want to end up dead within the year, he would have to leave England. So he found a place in the world where heroin is practically unavailable: Argentina. He went to Argentina and, left with no other choice, kicked the smack. He then became an alcoholic and lived for a few more years than he would have had he continue to pump his veins full of white powder. In his later years, he hunted pigeons for supper in Parque Lezama.

I was a FoodCrack addict. ChexMix, Papa John’s, Peach Snapple, Blow Pops and Swedish Fish. Ah, Swedish Fish, my poison of choice.

So I escaped to a place where I knew it would be harder to get my fix.

Of course, Barcelona is laden with FoodCrack. It’s everywhere. Why just now at the supermarket, in an act of solidarity with your blog, I bought a box of pretzels and a packet of chocolate flavored cookies shaped like the Simpsons. Processed foods abound and obesity is on the rise in Spain. The government is in a panic as they try to figure out what to do about it.

But the choice of FoodCrack here seems so unimaginative compared to what’s available back home. Unimaginative, uninteresting and lame. What would be the point of binging? And the supermarket snack aisle is risible. It makes me feel smug and, dare I say it, proud to be an American. If they could see our snack aisles back home they would hand their heads shame over their three measly shelves dedicated to potato chips and cookies. The Spanish have yet to realize that democracy is measured not by the rights afforded to individuals, but by the number of television channels and variety of FoodCrack available to them. They are a young democracy and I’m sure they’ll catch on eventually. And when they do, I’ll have to find somewhere else to run to.

I know that Seth’s tough love will probably do you better in the long run than my empathy, but I needed you to know that you are not alone. We all crack up sometimes. All of us, that is, except Seth. I’d feel better if we kept this between you and me. I’m not sure he would understand.

Your friend,


Seth said...

You will pay.

Steve said...


Thank you. This letter makes me feel safe and warm knowng there are othes out there.

I feel so validated, like I just got hugged.

We all crack out sometimes.

Seth is lying when he said that he doesn't.
He is a despotic food tyrant who must be stopped.

Seth said...


You miscreant. I have no need to lie. I have not even thought about or touched one piece of FoodCrack for many, many years. This is evident in my ability to levitate.

Do you actually think, knowing me, knowing my idiosyncratic nature, my scary devotion to my regime, and the consequences I face if I stray from my regime, that I would ever, ever touch a piece of FoodCrack.

Last weekend I brushed butter on my roasted chicken. This was a tremendous deal for me.

Perhaps you are referring to my seedy, Pooky-like past? To my days as the Champion McDonald's eater? To my terrible ice-cream eating habits? I sense a series of terrible, disgraceful blogs on the way...I sense that you might finally find out who ate all of your Mom's 50 or so pudding pops.

Karen said...

The closest Seth has come to cracking out in years is eating two squares of dark chocolate! He doesn't even like food crack in our apartment.

I, myself, love the stuff. I'm less into the snacky kind of food crack, but I do love stuff that is "cheap, addictive, shockingly unhealthy, and easily accessible." Although I try to let Seth be a positive influence, I occasionally pookie out-- especially when he travels. His first night away might include pizza, mozzarella sticks and Ben & Jerry's! [Seth is cringing right now.]